THE PAIN OF LIVING

Is this the way you know you are alive by the pain of living? Is this then the pain of living is to know that you are alive? Is this when you know you are alive when you do not want to die? I have moved along in slumbers still waters never disturbing the depths of my sleep. To awake to the gentle nagging as I walked in my sleep. Is this what it means to be living? Reminders of death and its once sharp teeth. The pain of living the pain of being of alive. Feeling discomfort in joy and contentment in dissatisfaction. Is this that pain I am feeling, the rousing from my slumber? The desire to move from the shallows to swim in the depths of life.
The questions that have no answer the questions that are the answers. How do I keep from drowning in this wakeful state I find myself in? To whom do I give the questions to whom do I give the answers? To think that life has awoken from the laying down of a life.
Oh the pain of living the pain of knowing that I am alive. To know regret and godly sorrow to know that I have grieved and caused sorrow to the One who causes me this pain. To know what it feels like to cry out…I repent from my sin. To know a love like no other and that I will never know a love like this apart from God. To know Him as Savior to know Him by name. To know no comfort in what was safe to know no joy apart from pain. To risk the things I put before You is to know the pain of living.
Do I cast aside all that I have read and heard? Do I hold back all that I said I would give? Do I stand still as if nothing has happened do I ignore the pain of grief? Do I really have to ask myself as if I had a choice? The pain so sweet it lets me know just how much I am alive. I am no sadist who wishes to know but oh the pain of living. I have tasted that which is so pure I have heard the Word of Life. How can I consider becoming numb to life again to the fact that I am alive? The pain of living abundantly is knowing joy to no end. The suffering does not compare to the glory I will yet discover. The pain of living is knowing how alive I really am. To know that in this pain is knowing someday it will come to an end.

HIGHWAY 152

Face against the window
Pushing against the pain
The ache of flight soaring in me
Flapping these broken wings
As I look down the street
For a way of escape
I just have to run to somewhere
Can’t get out of this place fast enough
Yet the ties that hold me
Frozen to this place
Wrap a little tighter in moments of breaking free
To break free of the expectations
To be free from the what you gonna be
I hide my dreams for who would understand them
Who would not laugh when I slip up
Do I my eyes betray the crouching
Of my restless spirit
Does my lack of involvement
Give my fears away
Face against the memories
Pushing hard against the pain
The ache of remembering
As the moments live again
Is freedom in my thumb
Found on highway 152
Is my new life waiting
Where the highway runs
I have vowed not be like
Those I leave behind
May they not come to haunt me
Promises I can not keep
Is this a dream
Is this my reality
How can a kid find himself
Filled with such ache
If I could just see past tomorrow
If I could live life without fear
Face against the window
Pushing against the pain
Trying not to drown in memories
Dragging me back again